he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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