The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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