it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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