Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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