So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
