I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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