My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
