three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
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