So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
