I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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