the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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