I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
