i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
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