Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
