I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
