Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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