I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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