I am midnight drunk by noon
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
