clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize