I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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