i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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