Who wears a wallet chain?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
