To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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