you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
