enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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