We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
