Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
