Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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