census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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