so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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