Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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