a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
