Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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