My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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