No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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