I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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