you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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