I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
