well I can't set my house on fire every night
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Every concussion has its silver lining
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
