You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My liver just broke up with me...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
