Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
