My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
