Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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