is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
