is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
