She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
