I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
