Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
