Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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