i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
