I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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