I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
