this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
