What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
did you just send me my own nude
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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