you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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