he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
