They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
