I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
