Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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